The presence of God is what I most want in life. But in a way, it is also the last thing in the world that I want.
Having had a glimpse of God, his desirability above all things, his forgiveness… I know that I cannot live life without being in the closest possible communion with God. However, having sinned willfully, acted against the dictates of my God-given conscience, the presence of a holy God closely examining my life is the last thing in the world I want.
Yes, I know that God is willing to forgive me in Christ if I will only repent. I don’t for a moment question the promises of God, and the willingness of God to forgive. I question my own repentance. If I sin seemingly without hesitation in the same way for which I have just asked for forgiveness and seemingly repented, was my repentance genuine?
There is however one thing in which I take hope. I’ve been examining myself carefully. I know in the past I’ve wanted freedom from sin because I primarily wanted freedom from guilt. Right now, I don’t think I’m motivated that way anymore. I don’t want to continue in any sin because I want to be close to God, and my sins are preventing me from this, ruining my communion with God. Perhaps this is a sign, of the Spirit’s work in me, a small glimmer of hope that God has not given up on me yet.
True repentance can only be granted by God. The desire for repentance also comes from God.
Filed under: Christianity, Life , forgiveness, guilt, repentance
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