Fatal Error

that I had not accounted for, one fatal assumption my entire endeavor was based on – that experiences and encounters can, for the most part, be faithfully represented in words.

Here then is the only valid excuse I can offer for not writing more often; that in this past year more than ever in my life, I have been left speechless, at an absolute and utter loss for words. I wish it were the kind of speechless attributed to witnessing the wonder of the Alaskan wilderness of the grandeur of the grand canyons. We have at least one word to describe the kind of speechless I’m referring to, but I doubt whether it can do justice to the experience;

Shock.

The kind of shock that comes from watching almost your entire life fall apart and unravel around you, powerless to do anything to stop it. At the end of last year, I thought the unraveling of my life was coming to an end. How wrong I was…

The predominant experience I’m left with at the end of another year is shock, absolutely indescribable shock, of having  to stand by and watch as every… single…. thing…. that I ever gave my life to, my heart to, that I sacrificed for, that I invested in, fought for, strived for, … every… single… one…. of those things… come undone… dry out… end in fruitlessness… or… realize that it was in vain; in short, the shock of realizing that all of my labor in every area of my life… was… for nothing …

Perhaps it may not be entirely accurate to say it was for nothing; everything always results in something. However when you’ve been going for gold in the Olympics, ending up with nothing but an honorable mention for participation in an obscure newspaper as a consolation prize amounts to, well… almost as good as nothing, or in vain.

Now, being a firm believer in the absolute sovereignty of God in all things for his ultimate glory and the most good of all his children, I have no doubt that even fruitless labor has an ultimate purpose.

Questions

However, also being a firm believer in the absolute responsibility of man for every one of his actions, I have to ask myself many questions. Most importantly, where did I go wrong? Was it in my perception of what God’s calling for me was? Was it in my expectations? Was I that naive? Was I really that far off the mark? Was I really going down the wrong road all this time? If I was, how did I miss the signs? Why didn’t I get any warning? Or did I get the warnings but turn a blind eye. And perhaps the question that bothers me more than any of the others, was my faith and my understanding of the christian life and spiritual relationships built so entirely on a house of cards that it had to be brought down completely? And, how much more still has to be unraveled, brought down, before the real growth, the rebuilding, can start the right way?

Now, I realize that this description of my experiences is most vague, and unless you have had a similar experience, nothing of what I’ve said here will really make sense. And that is one of the difficult aspects of this shock and loss for words, the inability to share or relate in any understandable fashion my experiences to anyone; and I blame myself for the lack of communication skills. It’s just hard to describe in a relatable way what it is you’ve really been striving for, or why the results seem fruitless to someone who hasn’t had similar goals, had similar struggles, or seen similar lack of fruit.

Speechless in prayer

This loss of words also affects prayer, as I discovered. As a relatively young believer, I would say that my prayer life is almost entirely based on words, on both ends of the communication spectrum. I express my adoration to God, I confess my sins, I give thanks for his blessings, I present my requests, all of which involve words. When I try to hear from God, I mostly wait for some concrete inspired thought to take shape in my mind, or turn to the Bible, all of which again involves words. There is often, I think, a sense in which you feel like you haven’t really been heard, or you haven’t really heard back, in a conversation, until you can find words to put it in. So, how do you ‘pray’ when you are at a loss for words?

In “Reaching for an Invisible God”, Philip Yancey describes the experiences of bishop John Taylor when living in Africa that gave me a hint to an aspect of prayer that I had never considered before: shared presence. When we meet up with friends (meet up as in specifically going to see them, or calling them up, not room-mates or those you live with constantly), our interactions and our impressions of the meeting, for the most part, are primarily based on shared activity or conversation. Silence, or doing nothing, seems awkward. However, in Africa. John Taylor described that “he would be working, and a friend would enter the room, give a brief greeting, and then squat down on the floor. After a few words of response, [John] would continue on with his chores while his visitor simply sat. Half an hour or so would pass, then the visitor would rise, say, ‘I have seen you,’ and move on. He had wanted no information, no conversation.” All the visitor wanted was to share in his presence and give him his undivided attention for some time.

In finding myself at a loss for words in prayer, I’ve had to explore what it means to cultivate an intense awareness and attention to the presence of God as prayer. I had no words to say; but for five minutes, ten, fifteen, or however long I wanted to pray, all I could do was focus my attention on his presence and cultivate a focused awareness, and not leave until that awareness had satisfied me.

Looking forward

So, where does this experience leave me at the dawn of another year? Very hesitant about what I give myself to, very unsure of what steps I take, because I have a tendency to give myself whole heartedly to anything I put step into.

But mostly, in a state of absolute reliance in the sovereignty of God in all things (including my failures) for his glory and the good of his children; a state of absolutely having to take God at his word about his nature and his characteristics when almost all circumstances around me tempt me to trust my understanding and believe otherwise; of having to trust him with the bigger picture; of having to admit that my understanding of the big picture is limited; of having to submit to his sovereign free choice in all things; of having to trust him with my mistakes and his ability, choice, and method of redeeming them.

So, let me wrap this all up with a wish to all my fellow sojourners for a blessed new year, and a closer walk with the Lord.

The various points of Calvinism have come up very often in my life recently, in various Bible studies, personal conversations, online discussion, and even in my daily sermon studies and devotions. In all of these seemingly random encounters with the five points, I began to notice that of all the gospels, the Gospel of John seems to lay a heavy emphasis on the five points mostly from Jesus’ own words; hard sayings of his that led many to abandon him.

So, I wanted to simply revisit the five points here in the light of the Gospel of John. I’m not sure who originally came up with the TULIP acronym to represent the five-points of Calvinism. I’m not even sure that I like the phrases that have been used in the acrostic to summarize the essential doctrinal points laid out by Calvin. But I’m reusing them here for the sake of continuity in this age-old discussion.

Total Depravity

No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him
John 6:44

This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.
John 6:65

The effect of the fall of man is so complete, that there is no inclination in his heart to draw to God without God first beginning the process. Therefore, God is responsible for even the beginnings of the inclination to godly things. For man to draw to God, God must draw man first.

Unconditional Election

You do not believe because you are not among my sheep. My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.
John 10:26, 27

Therefore they could not believe. For again Isaiah said, ‘He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, lest they see with their eyes, and understand with their heart, and turn, and I would heal them.
John12:39-40

The flock was known and picked from the foundations of the earth before their actions could lay any claim on God’s choice. Any action that is credited to them for righteousness is because they are already part of the flock. The actions of those who are not of the flock, however moral we may think it, do not count toward righteousness.

Limited Atonement

I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.
John 17:9

The high priestly prayer, where Jesus prays regarding his coming passion, death, atonement, and future glorification, specifically excludes those who are not among the elect.

Irresistible Grace

All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.
John 6:37

Those who are among the elect, will all eventually come. But at the same time, whoever comes to God will not be refused. So it is not as if the elect is such an exclusive club that those who earnestly come to God are going to be cast out because they are not part of the club. It is an both/and; if someone comes to Jesus, they are among those whom the Father has given to Jesus; and all those whom the Father has given the Son will come.

Perseverance of the saints

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.
John 10:28

The sheep (the elect) are given eternal life and they cannot lose it (cannot be snatched out of Jesus hand).

I will freely admit I struggle with these truths, with reconciling them with what I naturally feel is unfair or contradictory about these doctrines (more on that later). I believe with regard to knowledge and understanding, all spiritual truths fall into three categories:

1. That which cannot be known (and therefore not understood)
2. That which can be known but not understood completely (I believe the doctrines of Calvinism fall under this category)
3. That which can be known and fully understood (there are actually very few things in the Bible that I think would truly fit in this category).

Will continue to explore these themes and others (haven’t forgotten the pending topics I started out on earlier, this is just a little diversion in the path, which will I think eventually lead back into those other topics as well =).

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”

- Eph 3:20 (NIV)

God is indeed able to do more than we can imagine. But that’s just it…

Sometimes, God has to bring you to a point where you can no longer imagine — imagine a way out, imagine a way for redemption, imagine a purpose — before he is able to show you he can do more than you can imagine.

Finding this out the painful way…

Most of us are so desperate to know love in our lives that we go around projecting an image of ourselves to other people, trying to get people to like us and love us. The trouble is that people then fall in love with the image, not the reality.

That is very often why the very powerful, the very rich, the very famous, and the very beautiful find it exceedingly difficult to find true love; because people only fall in love with the image and not the reality… and it leaves us hollow and empty.

I can promise you that if you are sitting here this morning, even if you are one of the most popular people in this city, if nobody truly knows you, if no one knows your weaknesses and your shortcomings and your failings… you… are one of the most… lonely… people right now.

I can also promise you, that if there is a small group of people around you , whether its a spouse, or family, or siblings, or friends, who know you… the real you… all of your weaknesses, all of your shortcomings, all of your failings, all of that… and yet they love you… those are the most meaningful relationships you have.

Love doesn’t exist in the absence of judgement.

True love exists only in the presence of it.

The words ‘I love you’ are only meaningful only when the person who speaks them truly knows you. “

- Michael Ramsden, RZIM

The Current Credobaptist Position

After years of discussing baptism with credobaptists, as far as I can tell, here is a summary of the most prevalant beliefs on the subject of baptism in the credobaptist camp (in no particular order):

1. What it is? A public confession of one’s personal belief in Christ as the savior.
2. How it is to be administered? By full immersion of the subject in water.
3. Who are the subjects? Those who have given a confession of faith (some would add and have given evidence of the same)
4. What does it symbolize? The personal death of the subject to sin (in the immersion) and the subsequent resurrection to new life through Christ (in the coming out of the water).

I will next present a few passages from scripture with reference to baptism that I could not, in my admittedly limited understanding, interpret in keeping with the credobaptist viewpoint I’ve summarized above.

In all my discussions with credobaptists on the topic, people have take me as attempting to poke holes in the credobaptist view point. Therefore, before I go any further, let me make clear that I am attempting to poke no holes in any view point. I’m simply presenting passages in scripture that I failed to understand in the light of the credobaptist view and that lack of understanding led me to dig a little deeper.

I will explain why my thoughts and how I reached the conclusion that those passages could not be adequately interpreted. I welcome any insight into those problematic passages, and any additions/corrections to my understanding of the credobaptist viewpoint. I hope no credobaptist objects to a mutual quest of a better understanding of baptism in this manner.

To borrow from author Philip Yancey, I approach prayer and Bible study in the same way, as practice. I set aside regular time to pray, try to follow the outline of the Lord’ prayer, meditate over the prayers in the Psalms, I “practice”, in the hopes that it will improve my spontaneous prayers. I set aside time for Bible study, following a particular Bible study method, sticking to a particular theme or book, in the hopes that I will be more open to hearing from God spontaneously, and seeing Biblical connections in daily life more readily. There is an element of discipline, of simply ‘showing-up’, and element of being ready and available if God were to want to speak. Without the ‘practice’, the spontaneous moments of prayer or hearing from God are less likely.

There are many daily activities that to me usually seem mundane or of little spiritual significance, but I’m praying that I would begin to view them as ‘practice’; faithfully showing up and doing them as best as I can so that when the time comes for God to work in those daily situations, I am ready.

Matthew 25:21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

The question I keep asking is not whether I’ll make it through to the end of another year, but what will be left of me when I get there. I still feel the fresh ache of the chisel.
- At the dawn of this year….

To quote what I once read, it feels like God has taken mortar and pestle to my life, reducing it to a fine powder that now threatens to be lost in the wind. How often I have thought this year that there is nothing left in me to be broken, only to find that there was. It was necessary. I knew it was coming.

But I finally sense it coming to an end. He is ready to put the pieces back the way he sees fit. And I’m ready to trust Him, not because I’m a saint. but because I’m a wretched sinner whose only other option is despair. So, I’m moving on…

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and
I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength
In your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on
- Rascal Flatts

Clarifying Terminology

For the sake of clarity and ease of reference, let me introduce a few terms here borrowed from the writings of others, that I will use throughout the rest of the thoughts I share on this topic.

1. I will refer to the requirement of an expression of faith before baptism irrespective of the age of the candidate as credobaptism, from the Latin word credo which means ‘I believe’, and those subscribing to this view as credobaptists.
2. The baptism of infants, those younger than an age where they can be considered accountable for their actions, I will refer to as paedobaptism, from the greek word paedo for child, and those affirming the validity of such a baptism as paedobaptists.
3. Also, I will refer to those who are of the view that complete immersion in water is the only valid form of baptism as immersionists, and those who advocate other physical modes of baptism as non-immersionists.

A Personal History

I grew up in a theological tradition that administered paedobaptism but rarely discussed the theology of the sacraments. It was openly admitted that there were differences between us and others on this and many other points of theology, but such issues were never discussed in the teachings from the pulpit. We were always exhorted to ‘keep secondary issues secondary’ when it came to our relationship with fellow Christians of differing theological views, a value I’m grateful to have grown up with.

When I went away to college, I joined a new group of believers who were credobaptist immersionists. For the first time, I was introduced to the theology behind the sacraments, and I questioned for myself the validity of paedobaptism and any non-immersionist baptism. For the span of my first year in college, I was in constant conversation with others regarding baptism and constantly being directed to scriptures I had not noted before regarding the subject. By the end of the year I was quite convinced that I had been in error and that I had not properly partaken of the sacrament of baptism as seen in scripture.

However, in the second year of college, I found myself with a little extra time in the morning before my first class everyday, and I took to studying the history of the church in that extra time. Until this time, I had only a brief idea of the reformation that brought us the modern protestant evangelical faith, and in so many ways brought us back to true Christianity. But studying the church history and especially the reformation in greater detail, I noticed that every one of the great christian reformers held that paedobaptism was not just scriptural but commanded of God, and that non-immersionist modes of baptism were equally as valid as immersion, some even advocating that immersion was unscriptural. This both intrigued and bothered me.

These were men of faith who had braved much persecution to stand for the Bible alone as the sole authority on matters of faith; “sola scriptura” was their constant cry against the catholic church. They were determined to admit into christian practice absolutely nothing that could not be proved from scriptures and they faced great opposition for this. These men, more learned in the scriptures that I will ever be, held firmly to paedobaptism, even declared it was commanded of God.

This bothered me. In just a year I thought I was completely certain, from scripture, that paedobaptism was invalid, that any non-immersionist baptism was unscriptural. But, here were men who had studied the scriptures all their life, who were determined to root out any unscriptural practices from the church, holding steadily to both paedobaptism and non-immersion modes. Why was it not so plain to them as it had been to me? What was I missing?

Where until now I had been satisfied with the scriptures others had pointed out to me regarding this sacrament, this encounter with the claim of the reformers compelled me to re-examine the scriptures on this topic for myself afresh. Over the course of the next few years, as I took a fresh look at the topic, what had once been absolutely clear for me, I now found I could no longer keep in harmony with the rest of scripture. Where once I was convinced that immersion was the only valid mode of physical baptism, I began to find scriptural reasons to doubt that view. Where once I was convinced that the sacrament could not be rightly administered without a profession of faith, I began to find that the sacrament did not center around profession of faith.

So what I have to share here are my doubts and invite any insight or resolution you maybe able to provide. I do not for a moment think that just because the reformers unanimously held to a certain position that they had to be scripturally correct; they were human, and prone to error just as much as any other person. However, I would have been quite foolish to not give some serious consideration to the views of men who have been so mightily used by God to change the direction of the church.

Next time, I shall outline as completely and accurately as I can the immersionist credo-baptist position, the very position I was once completely convinced of, before beginning on the journey of doubts. I am open to any correction or clarification of that position; after years of doubt I may be liable to misrepresenting it.

An Introduction

Everything I have shared in these writings, so far, has been my personal struggles with how to practically live out the christian life. I have revealed to you my struggles with doubt and despair, the lessons in faith God has taught me, realizations about life I’ve come to from a Christian perspective, etc. This has, in many ways, been the aim of these writings.

However, for the first time here, I am going to deviate just a little and grapple with the very specific question in theology of baptism. But I want you to understand that I am not doing this for mere intellectual pleasure or satisfaction. My struggles with the question of baptism have shaped a large part of my life and faith. The implications of the answer to this question are very practical and very personal to me, and the journey to discover the answer has had a very large impact on my christian walk.

I share my thoughts on this subject here as an invitation for you to walk along with me for a bit, to take a look through my eyes, if you can, to see what I’ve seen, and give me insight to the questions I have, or affirmations if you see what I see. I write not because I have the answers, but because I have doubts, and I am hoping to find answers by the end of this journey. I also write with a keen awareness that no matter what the answers turn out to be, they will cause me spiritual struggle and difficulty.

So with that said, next time, I shall lay the ground work for this journey, and share with you a little more of the history of my faith with regard to this question.