I started this blog with a few different aims in mind but mostly I wanted to document my experiences in the Christian pilgrimage, both for me to process and to look back on, reflect, and gain insight from, and also for others to learn anything if possible from my experiences. In moving ahead this way, there was one,

Fatal Error

that I had not accounted for, one fatal assumption my entire endeavor was based on – that experiences and encounters can, for the most part, be faithfully represented in words.

Here then is the only valid excuse I can offer for not writing more often; that in this past year more than ever in my life, I have been left speechless, at an absolute and utter loss for words. I wish it were the kind of speechless attributed to witnessing the wonder of the Alaskan wilderness of the grandeur of the grand canyons. We have at least one word to describe the kind of speechless I’m referring to, but I doubt whether it can do justice to the experience;

Shock.

The kind of shock that comes from watching almost your entire life fall apart and unravel around you, powerless to do anything to stop it. At the end of last year, I thought the unraveling of my life was coming to an end. How wrong I was…

The predominant experience I’m left with at the end of another year is shock, absolutely indescribable shock, of having  to stand by and watch as every… single…. thing…. that I ever gave my life to, my heart to, that I sacrificed for, that I invested in, fought for, strived for, … every… single… one…. of those things… come undone… dry out… end in fruitlessness… or… realize that it was in vain; in short, the shock of realizing that all of my labor in every area of my life… was… for nothing …

Perhaps it may not be entirely accurate to say it was for nothing; everything always results in something. However when you’ve been going for gold in the Olympics, ending up with nothing but an honorable mention for participation in an obscure newspaper as a consolation prize amounts to, well… almost as good as nothing, or in vain.

Now, being a firm believer in the absolute sovereignty of God in all things for his ultimate glory and the most good of all his children, I have no doubt that even fruitless labor has an ultimate purpose.

Questions

However, also being a firm believer in the absolute responsibility of man for every one of his actions, I have to ask myself many questions. Most importantly, where did I go wrong? Was it in my perception of what God’s calling for me was? Was it in my expectations? Was I that naive? Was I really that far off the mark? Was I really going down the wrong road all this time? If I was, how did I miss the signs? Why didn’t I get any warning? Or did I get the warnings but turn a blind eye. And perhaps the question that bothers me more than any of the others, was my faith and my understanding of the christian life and spiritual relationships built so entirely on a house of cards that it had to be brought down completely? And, how much more still has to be unraveled, brought down, before the real growth, the rebuilding, can start the right way?

Now, I realize that this description of my experiences is most vague, and unless you have had a similar experience, nothing of what I’ve said here will really make sense. And that is one of the difficult aspects of this shock and loss for words, the inability to share or relate in any understandable fashion my experiences to anyone; and I blame myself for the lack of communication skills. It’s just hard to describe in a relatable way what it is you’ve really been striving for, or why the results seem fruitless to someone who hasn’t had similar goals, had similar struggles, or seen similar lack of fruit.

Speechless in prayer

This loss of words also affects prayer, as I discovered. As a relatively young believer, I would say that my prayer life is almost entirely based on words, on both ends of the communication spectrum. I express my adoration to God, I confess my sins, I give thanks for his blessings, I present my requests, all of which involve words. When I try to hear from God, I mostly wait for some concrete inspired thought to take shape in my mind, or turn to the Bible, all of which again involves words. There is often, I think, a sense in which you feel like you haven’t really been heard, or you haven’t really heard back, in a conversation, until you can find words to put it in. So, how do you ‘pray’ when you are at a loss for words?

In “Reaching for an Invisible God”, Philip Yancey describes the experiences of bishop John Taylor when living in Africa that gave me a hint to an aspect of prayer that I had never considered before: shared presence. When we meet up with friends (meet up as in specifically going to see them, or calling them up, not room-mates or those you live with constantly), our interactions and our impressions of the meeting, for the most part, are primarily based on shared activity or conversation. Silence, or doing nothing, seems awkward. However, in Africa. John Taylor described that “he would be working, and a friend would enter the room, give a brief greeting, and then squat down on the floor. After a few words of response, [John] would continue on with his chores while his visitor simply sat. Half an hour or so would pass, then the visitor would rise, say, ‘I have seen you,’ and move on. He had wanted no information, no conversation.” All the visitor wanted was to share in his presence and give him his undivided attention for some time.

In finding myself at a loss for words in prayer, I’ve had to explore what it means to cultivate an intense awareness and attention to the presence of God as prayer. I had no words to say; but for five minutes, ten, fifteen, or however long I wanted to pray, all I could do was focus my attention on his presence and cultivate a focused awareness, and not leave until that awareness had satisfied me.

Looking forward

So, where does this experience leave me at the dawn of another year? Very hesitant about what I give myself to, very unsure of what steps I take, because I have a tendency to give myself whole heartedly to anything I put step into.

But mostly, in a state of absolute reliance in the sovereignty of God in all things (including my failures) for his glory and the good of his children; a state of absolutely having to take God at his word about his nature and his characteristics when almost all circumstances around me tempt me to trust my understanding and believe otherwise; of having to trust him with the bigger picture; of having to admit that my understanding of the big picture is limited; of having to submit to his sovereign free choice in all things; of having to trust him with my mistakes and his ability, choice, and method of redeeming them.

So, let me wrap this all up with a wish to all my fellow sojourners for a blessed new year, and a closer walk with the Lord.

Advertisement