Wanting to want…

God, I don’t love you. I don’t even want to love you. But, I want to want to love you
- Theresa of Avila

I don’t always mean what I pray. Often, my prayers are nothing more than words I know I should say. “Thank you Lord, for helping X/L through that,” or so I’ll pray when at the end of the day, as I recall some difficulty a friend’s may have been in which he/she found some resolution or comfort. Am I really grateful? If I were to be honest,

Filed under: Faith, Religion & Spirituality, Uncategorized , bruce almighty, david crowder, depravity, gratefulness, honesty, prayer, selfishness

In Passing …

One of the worst feelings in the word, is knowing that you can be forgotten, by someone you know you can never forget.

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it’s taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you’re thinking we’ll be fine again
But not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’ve loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cause it’s worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

Filed under: Feelings, Music, Relationships, emotions, hurt, loneliness, pain , being forgotten, Feelings, taylor swift

Emotional surprises

Sometimes, you don’t realize how much you hoped for something, till you are surprised by how hurt or disappointed you are when that hope is dashed forever.

And then there are other times, when you thought you would be devastated if a particular thing were to happen. And then it does happen. And you’re surprised that you aren’t as distraught as you thought you would be.

Makes me wonder how well I really know myself.

Filed under: emotions , calm, disappointment, Hope, hurt, knowing yourself

Thorn in the flesh

“Pain is your friend, your ally. It will tell you when you are seriously injured. It will keep you awake and angry and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? …. it lets you know you’re not dead yet.”

- Master Chief John Urgayle in G.I. Jane

An excerpt from my journal…

My truest expressions of worship seems to come in my times of deepest pain. So even though it hurts yet again, I find it hard to ask for the pain to be taken away. The pain is a reminder. It’s a fallen world. But he is a good God. The pain invites me to trust him. It invites me to be defiant. Not because I know the joy that can come, but because there is no one else trustworthy.

Filed under: Christianity, Feelings, Religion & Spirituality, emotions, hurt, trust, worship

Who am I… really…

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.
~Henry David Thoreau

I thought I knew myself. I thought I was growing up, maturing. I thought my faith was growing. I thought I knew what I was becoming, that I was in full control of my self-transformation. If anything, the experiences of the last few months have stripped away any such notion. Any whim I had of my ’self-identity’ has been yanked away from me. And with each passing day, the remaining vestiges of that ‘former self’ are being coaxed out of me.

When all the labels, the blinders, the masks have been stripped away, who is really left?

Who am I really? When all the labels, the blinders, the masks have been

Filed under: Life, Personal, Personal Development, Thoughts , actions, christian identity, excuses, faking, illusions, knowing yourself, masks, mental reaction, personal identity, self-evaluation, self-examination, Thoughts, who am i

Just an update

I finally feel some what centered/recovered enough from the experiences of the last few months. So many experiences, so many things to learn. I hope to start sharing some of it all again.

I am eternally grateful to all of you who have been encouraging me through these difficult times.

Will be back soon :)

Filed under: Life, Personal

Future grief

A person observing me casually might thing I was in some deep grief or mourning; the symptoms are quite similar I think: a strange lethargy, a reluctance to begin working on anything, mournful looks, a reluctance to engage in anything or with anyone. And in one sense, this casual observer would be right, I am in mourning, I am in grief. Only,

Filed under: Life, Personal, Thoughts, emotions, grief , endings, loss, mourning, self-pity

Doubting God’s Goodness: Lack Of Faith

I think my doubting the goodness of God reveals my own sinfulness more than anything else.

At some level, my sub-conscious definition of good is to be stable, have everything I think I need: good health, friends around me, food on the table always, extra money in the bank, etc… basically have nothing bad happen: no leaving friends, no pain in life, perfect health… Of course these things are good!

But to doubt God’s goodness when I don’t have these things… Is my definition of goodness so limited? What makes me so special that I should think I am somehow entitled to exemption from the effects of sin in the world and in my own life? Is God so small that he is not able to take what is definitely not good and bring out of it something even better?

God is able to make all things work together for good for those who love him. It’s the cherished promise from Rom 8:28 for almost every believer. I’ve seen it at work in my own life. Everyday I see more and more clearly how from the mistakes, pains, and sorrows of the previous years God is bringing good. Why do I still doubt?

George Mueller once said that if God were to take something good from him, it would only be to give him something better. The difficulty in believing in a sovereign almighty God is you have to believe he can allow these bad things to happen and even worse! But it’s equally true that he can use these awful things to bring goodness beyond anything imaginable! Yet somehow, it’s easier to believe and be afraid of the former than have faith and find joy in the latter.

Oh how small is my faith!! For now, everything within me cries out like the father of the sick girl: “Lord, help my unbelief!”

Filed under: Christianity, Faith, God , George Mueller

Honest doubts about God’s goodness

Why is it that I just can’t seem to trust God to be good? Why am I always under the impression that he is out to get me?

People always talk to me about trusting God’s goodness. But doesn’t God’s goodness come as a result of his being gracious? And if it is a result of his being gracious, how can I trust it???? What right do I have to presume that he will be gracious again?

All goodness in life, in a any small measure, are gifts from God. But when people talk to me about trusting God’s goodness, they are in fact asking me to trust that I will continue to receive these gifts from him. How can I count on getting a gift? It’s a gift! I can’t do anything to deserve it! Doesn’t the giver have full freedom to choose whether to give the gift or not? What if he chooses not to give? He has every right not to give me anything!

Why after all that God has done for me, do I still feel like every time I mess up, he’s out to get me? Why can’t I just learn to count on his goodness?

Filed under: Christianity, Doubt, Faith, God, goodness, grace, sin, trust

Maybe this is all we get…

Perhaps in this life, this is all we have; a few minutes here of magic here, a few moments of connection there. Perhaps it is foolish to expect more. And perhaps the longing for more is a desire from God… who knows….

Filed under: Feelings, Relationships, Thoughts, christian-life, diary, everyday-life