Pilgrim's Progress

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Excerpts from my journey through life

Our Worth In Heaven

“No … I can promise you none of these things [in heaven]. No sphere of usefulness: you are not needed there at all. No scope for your talents: only forgiveness for having perverted them. No atmosphere for inquiry, for I will bring you to the land not of questions but of answers, and you shall see the face of God.”
- C. S. Lewis in ‘The Great Divorce’

Grace: “Are you afraid of anything?”
Tom: “Of growing old… not being of much use.”
- ‘The Horse Whisperer’

Much of the world perceives love and worth according to the following formula:

Need (usefulness) determines Worth. Worth determines Love.

How much a person or thing is loved is determined by how much they are worth. How much they are worth is determined by how much we need them or find them useful. In short, much of the message of worth and love we project on the world is: “I love you because I need you”.  On the flip side, we have received this message so often that we have come to determine our worth by our usefulness, or how much others need us. Perhaps one of the greatest fears we have (especially those who are aging and/or weakening), is that we will not be of much use anymore. But with this kind of a distorted view of self-worth, we are more likely to fear heaven than find it a place of comfort.

Every once in a while I leaf through the old ‘Creeds of the Faith’, those statements of essential Christian doctrine that were hammered out by councils and clergy, after much struggle to understand God. I occasionally leaf through my old church ‘liturgy’ and the liturgies of a few affiliated churches as well. Recently a term I found used in these creeds and liturgies, struck me in a new light: self-sufficient. God, as the creeds and liturgies referred to, is self-sufficient. God is complete in and of Himself. He has no need of anything whatsoever in this world, or in the unseen world. God, then, cannot create anything because He ‘needs’ it.

We humans are not missing pieces of jigsaw puzzle that must be present to complete the picture. We are not needed by God. We are not needed in heaven. Examine this for a minute in the light of the common perception of worth. Need determines worth. We are not needed by God or in heaven; therefore we have no worth to God or to heaven? How would you like to spend eternity being ‘worthless’?

Something’s wrong with this picture you say? Thankfully, there is; because, God seems to go by the formula:

Love determines Worth. Worth determines Need.

God’s love for us determines our worth to Him. Our worth to Him determines His need for us. In short, while the message that we project onto the world is “I love you because I need you”, God is desperately trying to tell us “I need you BECAUSE I love you”. I suspect God feels very much like parents who have sent their kids of to college. Home doesn’t feel like home without the kids around, and it’s not because the ‘house’ is in any way ‘incomplete’, or because the parents ‘need’ the kids for their own living.  Could it be that to God ‘heaven’ doesn’t feel like ‘heaven’ without us His children around?

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…” Hopefully, we can see this now in a differently light. We make our sacrifices based on how much we determine the sacrifice is worth. We even shop for things based on whether an item is worth its price to us or not. God paid an infinite price for us; He made an infinite sacrifice for us. Could it just be that the price he paid is a reflection of how much we are worth to Him in His eyes?  Could it just be that we are of infinite value to Him?

We can therefore look forward to a heaven where we are infinitely valued, and for eternity. God needs us there because He loves us. But while we wait for our eternal home, it is for us to consider what formula we will use to determine worth and love. What formula will be at work the next time we encounter and another human being? And what about the next time we consider our own worth?

Filed under: Christianity, Life , , , ,

Still I will say…

I may never get to see another rainbow
Or share another laugh with a friend
I may never stand barefoot by the ocean
Or get to kiss my child goodnight again

I may never have another prayer that’s answered
Or have another blessing come my way
If this is all I’ll ever know of heaven’s kindness
Father, I would still have to say

You have been good
You have been good
I am in wonder how it could be
That You have been good
You’ve been so good
In so many ways, you’ve been good to me.

- adapted from Scott Krippayne

So often, I get caught up and upset about the things I’ll never get to experience, pleasures I will never have a chance to share in, opportunities that I never had and never will; the general unfairness of life handing others on a platter freely the things that I worked hard for but will never get.

But, when all the dust has settled, I slowly remember that I have no claims to any blessing at all. As unfair as it seems, I should be asking why I was blessed at all, and not why I wasn’t blessed with the blessing of the person next to me. I need something like horse-blinders that stops me from looking sideways at others and counting their blessings and keeps me focused on God and counting my own.

It’s hard not to get upset with all the constant reminders; I probably will go through it again soon. But hopefully as I grow, it will take less and less time for me to finally be able to come back to a point where I remember that as unfair as my life seems, God is still good, and I have been blessed…

Filed under: Christianity, Life, Music , , , , , , ,

Sometimes… it hurts too much to cry

Home they brought her warrior dead:
She nor swooned, nor uttered cry:
All her maidens, watching, said,
‘She must weep or she will die.’

Then they praised him, soft and low,
Called him worthy to be loved,
Truest friend and noblest foe;
Yet she neither spoke nor moved.

Stole a maiden from her place,
Lightly to the warrior stepped,
Took the face-cloth from the face;
Yet she neither moved nor wept.

Rose a nurse of ninety years,
Set his child upon her knee—
Like summer tempest came her tears—
‘Sweet my child, I live for thee.’

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

… and you’re left wishing the tears would come and give you some relief.

Filed under: Life, Sadness , , , ,

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Filed under: Christianity, Life ,

Injustice

It’s hard to not feel mistreated, envious, or jealous when something that you crave, pray about, and wish for with all your heart but always seems out of your reach is so easily given to someone else.

Given, handed on a platter, perhaps without even being asked. Not earned, not fought for. They didn’t agonize over it night and day, cry about it, pray long and hard about it like you, and probably wouldn’t even have valued or recognized it before it had been handed to them.

If there’s one thing I keep finding the hard way, it’s that at least on this side of the fence, the rewards don’t always equal the effort put in.

What bothers me even more, is that there is no guarantee that this unfairness will be made right on the other side . Who’s to say that my sense of fair/unfair is right, or my notion of what is reward is right? So my agony of this injustice might be futile.

How can I resolve this?

God is just, he is fair, and so are his rewards. If my sense of justice, and rewards are skewed here, that’s ok. When I’m on the other side I will appreciate it and see it from his perspective.

Maybe it just takes a while for it to settle in.

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Regret – what could have been

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

- Sydney Harris

Most of the time thoughts of what-could-have-been agonize me more than the joy/pleasure of what-is. Every missed opportunity… for anything… leaves me saying… if only… or feeling envious, even jealous.

Then it wasn’t meant to be? Yeah, it wasn’t, but that doesn’t help the agony. It’s not a consolation when everything, all the signs, everything inside you says, it was meant to be.

It’s not just the regret of what I didn’t do. It’s what I didn’t get to do.

In the mean time, praying that someday, I’ll find content and joy enough in what-is, so that the questions of what-could-have-been don’t matter anymore….

Someday…

Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now…

Subdiffraction-Resolution Fluorescence Imaging with
Conventional Fluorescent Probes

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Wanting to want…

God, I don’t love you. I don’t even want to love you. But, I want to want to love you
- Theresa of Avila

I don’t always mean what I pray. Often, my prayers are nothing more than words I know I should say. “Thank you Lord, for helping X/L through that,” or so I’ll pray when at the end of the day, as I recall some difficulty a friend’s may have been in which he/she found some resolution or comfort. Am I really grateful? If I were to be honest, Read the rest of this entry »

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In Passing …

One of the worst feelings in the word, is knowing that you can be forgotten, by someone you know you can never forget.

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it’s taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you’re thinking we’ll be fine again
But not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’ve loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cause it’s worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby
Like I did before
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
You’re not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

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Emotional surprises

Sometimes, you don’t realize how much you hoped for something, till you are surprised by how hurt or disappointed you are when that hope is dashed forever.

And then there are other times, when you thought you would be devastated if a particular thing were to happen. And then it does happen. And you’re surprised that you aren’t as distraught as you thought you would be.

Makes me wonder how well I really know myself.

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Thorn in the flesh

“Pain is your friend, your ally. It will tell you when you are seriously injured. It will keep you awake and angry and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? …. it lets you know you’re not dead yet.”

- Master Chief John Urgayle in G.I. Jane

An excerpt from my journal…

My truest expressions of worship seems to come in my times of deepest pain. So even though it hurts yet again, I find it hard to ask for the pain to be taken away. The pain is a reminder. It’s a fallen world. But he is a good God. The pain invites me to trust him. It invites me to be defiant. Not because I know the joy that can come, but because there is no one else trustworthy.

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